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FAQ re Wellness
How can I talk with my kids so they will listen and cooperate?
We may manipulate our kids with martyrdom ("You'll be the death of me"), lecturing ("Was that the right thing to do?), sarcasm ("Oh, that's smart: leaving your shirt unbuttoned"), warnings ("Watch out! You'll fall"), comparisons ("Why can't you be more like your sister?"), commands (Hurry up!") and prophecies ("You won't make much of yourself with that attitude").If we are concerned about our childrens' behaviour (such as verbal violence to siblings), we need to look at how we speak to them.
Faber and Mazlish in "How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk”, discuss the importance of using language that fosters childrens' self-esteem. It is important to create a family environment in which our kids care both about themselves and us.
Faber et al. describe five ways of enlisting co-operation:
1. Briefly summarizing how you see the issue ("The lights are on").
2. Providing relevant information so they understand where we are coming from ("I need to call Stephen in five minutes").
3. Say what you need to say with one or two words ("Bed!").
4. Discuss your feelings ("It bothers me that you have left food in your room. The scraps attract cockroaches").
5. Write a note.
Persistent behaviour issues can be tackled utilizing listening skills, consequences and encouragement ("You have made an effort to be home and that's good. We have eaten dinner but you can make a sandwich if you like").
Instead of dealing out reactive punishments, Faber and Mazlish suggest:
a. Expressing feelings clearly ("I am annoyed that you forgot to put out the rubbish"). It is better to show our disapproval using I statements, such as “I feel annoyed that you spilt paint on the carpet".
A. Discuss the allocation of family chores democratically
b. Stating your expectations ("I want you to be responsible for putting out the rubbish every Thursday")
c. Suggest a way to make amends ("Put the extra rubbish in boxes in the shed").
d. Give choices with regards to consequences for behaviour ("If you don't come home for dinner on time, you will have to prepare your own evening meal")
e. Take action (Lock the tool box if the tools were left out)
f. Be solution-focused ("What can we arrange so that....?)
It may take a little time to change our reactive responses. Useful tools include:
1. Count to 10 before speaking
2. Excuse yourself for 5 minutes
3. Breathe deeply and relax the body parts individually
4. Imagine a stop sign or a hand signal (Stop!) in front of you interrupting your usual reaction.
5. Reflect briefly on the importance of enhancing the child's self-esteem at every opportunity. Our children are still in the process of developing their identity, self-worth, a sense of security and trust in the world. Their self-esteem is often forged by our reactions to them.
6. Remember: the process of change and learning new skills takes time, so go easy on yourself!
It is important to provide fair boundaries to our children, while encouraging their self-esteem in the process. Using language that fosters self-esteem creates a harmonious environment. We also need to model the behaviours we want to engender in our children.
What is anxiety? How can I minimize it?
Anxiety includes social phobias, specific phobias (including agoraphobia), panic attacks, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).
Anxiety is experienced by everyone and is often helpful in dealing with dangerous situations. Prolonged anxiety conditions on the other hand, interfere with daily living and may include:
1. Panic attacks or fear of these occurring. Panic is triggered by the sudden surge of adrenalin. Attacks may be characterized by shortness of breath, nausea, a choking feeling, dizziness and heart palpitations
2. Physical symptoms of generalized anxiety may include trembling, rapid heartbeat, nausea, perspiring and irregular breathing
3. Avoidance behaviours: Anxiety may lead to social isolation and depression and can interfere with work, socializing and relationships.
Useful tools for dealing with anxiety include:
a. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy which aims at shifting patterns of thinking and beliefs which trigger anxiety. The healing process may involve gradually exposing yourself to anxiety-provoking situations (a process called "desensitization")
b. Relaxation techniques reduce anxiety. They include meditation, breathing and relaxation techniques
c. Counselling and Hypnotherapy
d. Prescribed Medication
e. In dealing with panic, it is better to face the symptoms rather than run from them. When we fight panic, the muscles tense even more, making us feel more anxious. Running away reinforces a feeling that we can't handle the anxiety and creates more panic. It is better to stay put, relax as much as possible and observe the anxiety.
Positive thoughts/commands such "Slow down. I can handle this. This will pass. It always does. I am allowing my body to react this way. I am safe. I am waiting for the anxiety to subside. I can be anxious and still cope with this situation" may be useful.
The key is to become the observer. Breathe deeply and gently observe the body’s reactions as the anxiety gradually dissipates.
What is Posttraumatic Stress Disorder? What will help?
Posttraumatic Stress Disorder or PTSD develops when a person is exposed to severe physical and/or mental trauma. It may involve repetitive images, thoughts and dreams, disorientation and attention-narrowing.
Symptoms such as anxiety, heightened arousal, sleep disturbance, concentration/memory difficulties, fear, guilt, anger and shame may occur. Avoidance, withdrawal and depression may also be experienced.
Goals in therapy for treating PTSD may include the ability to recall the trauma without undue stress and recovery from withdrawal, avoidance and/or agoraphobia. Resuming appropriate pre-trauma sleep and eating patterns and developing strategies to cope with/minimize panic attacks would be optimal. A primary goal might be to resume normal responsibilities and relationships and effective pre-trauma functioning.
It is highly advisable to have a medical check-up immediately and consult a professional such as a Psychologist and/or Psychiatrist for ongoing treatment and support.
In the sessions, education about the impacts of trauma and the sustained effort needed to recover is useful. Listing and ranking the PTSD symptoms and exploring feelings about the trauma may be explored. It is important to assess the levels of relationship/functioning affected and the impact on self and others. It may be useful to identify which activities heighten any panic symptoms.
A therapist will help identify negative self-talk and irrational beliefs associated with the trauma. It is also important to identify situations which trigger anger. Anger control techniques can be learnt and practised under supervision, usually with increasing success.
Gradual exposure to anxiety triggers using systematic and in-vivo desensitization (both imagined and entering real life situations) may reduce emotional reactions. These work best when incorporated with relaxation skills and appropriate guided imagery. Positive affirming thoughts and cognitions can be encouraged to become routine thinking.
Other stress management techniques such as affirmations ("I am safe"), distraction (gardening), problem solving, controlling emotional responses, assertiveness skills and muscle relaxation can be explored with support. It is important to discuss any feelings of depression and suicidality with a professional and verbalize the effects on family, employment and socializing. Effective strategies to address these issues can be implemented in a collaborative approach with the therapist.
It is also important to maintain good eating habits and implement regular exercise routines. Other types of therapy such as Gestalt, Narrative, Sand Play, Art and Movement may also be explored with a professional to assist recovery. The 10 day Vipassana Meditation Retreats also may assist with the process. It is important to be gentle and patient with oneself during recovery.
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What is Social Phobia and how can I deal with it?
Social phobia is frequently defined as anxiety and shyness in social situations, sensitivity to rejection, having few friends, avoiding social occasions, a tendency to withdraw and experience anxiety with others. It is useful while working with a Psychologist or therapist to identify feelings, thoughts and fears about social situations, and specific triggers for the anxiety.
This includes identifying feelings and frustrations regarding current and childhood social situations. Issues about feeling childhood abandonment/ridicule and criticism can be explored. Fears, negative and irrational cognitions and beliefs associated with social interaction and relationships can also be assessed.
This process helps to identify links with childhood trauma and negative thoughts and feelings about one's self-image.
Defense mechanisms that one uses to avoid social contact can be identified. Positive self-talk and identifying things in common with and appreciated by others are important. It is also useful to learn and practise assertiveness skills.
A hierarchy of feared situations can be made beginning with the least feared scenario.
A collaborative plan for graded exposure to social situations is useful. You can practice imagined graded exposure using distancing techniques (such as imaging the scene on TV and visualizing yourself in the feared scene. You can use the imagined remote to turn down the anxiety or freeze the scene while you take some deep breaths). Exposure to the least feared situation usually begins first for example, engage socially with a known person every day, followed by initiating a brief daily social interaction with a stranger. Attendance at lengthier social occasions and asking friends out is important after several successes. The process can be part of a homework schedule. Irrational beliefs such as "people don't like me" can easily be refuted.
List the ways in which you are appreciated by others. Social skills can also be improved with role plays (i.e. practicing a feared social situation with a friend). Identify and recall those times when you socialized with some confidence. Regular exercise is also encouraged to minimize anxiety, depression and stress.
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